You tell me,
God can be held in your hands.
That they can only be fathomed
not through the trees
or wind
or the heartbeat of light-
but through paper
artifical organization
and mental manufacture
That the spirit is not
felt through experience
But by being told what to feel.
I like to thik I can look
into every man and tree,
and see a great ocean in us all
built of a love
that once breathed the first heart.

Random musings on christmas eve 2009,

1. I think i dislike Christmas. At least American Christmas. Is that sacrilegious? Un-ordinary...? Do i care anymore? No, not neccessarily. Did i just spell neccessarily wrong? probably.

2. I really dislike wrapping presents, especially on christmas eve at one in the morning.

3. But seriously, i'm really tired of this cycle of produce-consume-consume-do things faster better stronger. I dislike christmas because i feel like these things are emphasized during this time. Convenience, family-making your family convenient.

4. I believe convenience has killed the spirit of man.

5. I want to drop out of college.

6. Did i mention i dislike Christmas?
I am whimsical, yes, i love fairy tales, yes, i love magic and happiness and wonder and beauty and hope, yes. Christmas? Not currently. It it a commercial holiday? probably.

7. i'm tired. And the wrapping on these presents looks terrible.

8. I feel like its sad that some of my family judges me and their present on how well i did on the wrapping.

9. I'm over this holiday.

10. I might sound like a cynical bitch right now. I don't care. I'm happy.

11. Really.

12. Daddy i'm so sorry, i'm so so-so-sorry yeah. We just like to party like to pa-pa-pa-party yeah.

I cannot promise to you that I will live a life that is not mine.

The stars I count above my head
Seem to grow and multiply
With everything I haven’t said

Reasons to stay awake
Are easy to find
I’ll chase the day break
If the minutes are kind

And if time brings me to you
Perhaps stars will stop growing
And overwhelming the blue
Till they all come down pouring
We’ll be in a sea of light
That day we will laugh
We’ll eat up the night
(And swim in a glitter bath)

Come paint the sky
We’ll name the stars
Come we’ll cry

Clap clap clap
Listen to this music, feel the beat too.
Feel the rhythm I feel in you.







weheartit.com








I was in the mood for lions tonight.


1. been listening to passion pit for the last oh hour or so

2. I made the best french toast ever today.

hello

weheartit.com



And i know it will be a while
till i get unstuck from your smile
I can't wait till we meet
and my floating heart comes back to the street.

Through these photographs and stories
painting all these allegories
to a tale I have yet to see
IN this moment I let it be

Because this excitement is great
and this is thrilling
but in this moment i just can't wait

And i know it will be a while
till i get unstuck from your smile
and i feel i already know what kind of fellow
you are before we (even) say hello.



1. So i decided everybody i know is getting home made lip gloss and tea for christmas. YAY! be excited! Except ONE of my friends might get a shirt, and ONE of my friends might get a kazoo..or a bracelet. We shall see.

2. I conquered a fear tonight! A fear of singing/performing infront of a judge! Go
me!





weheartit.com

3. The poem above will hopefully become a song over this winterbreak

4. This winter break is going to be long...classes start in febuarary. (i am happy for this)

5. The worst of finals are over!! YAY!!!

6. Everything I want to be, I already am.

7. I want to go to celle ligure.

8. No i actually want to go to tokyo

9. I'm actually pretty happy right where i am.

10. I wrote a song today about taking viatmins.

11. MY COMPUTER WILL BE FIXED SOON. and then i can finish my song about taking vitamis!

12. I truly believe beauty comes from loving yourself first.

OWL CITY!



google images

WOW!


I AM THE ONE THAT READS THE BOOK!

I decided I am going to create a job for myself. And it is just going to be this all consuming all spewing artistic mess of a masterpiece...

yes! we can!

dearist taylor,

create more art
listen
feel this
feel all of this

from, yourself.

beautiful life

I'm searching for the courage to create.

The motivation to be who I want to be.

Its just waiting for me.

The stars hang heavy in the sky

with the sorrows i lay upon them

my little boat is coming so close

and rocking back and forth from

the weight of gravity they pull

if we aren't careful these stars will fall down

fall down on us

the sea overtaking the boat flooding

taking on water, quick boys grab your buckets!

swish slop swish drop fall further in to the sea.

the stars so laden with this sorrow

the pleasure of hiding that has taken a toll on our world

Ladies and gentlemen if you'd be so kind

its not outside yourself, but inside you'll find

the stars are falling down

falling down on you

the sea overtaking

and storm inside of you

the gravity of sorrow

drowning tomorrow

taking on water, quick boys grab your buckets!

swish slop swish drop fall further into the sea.

Its just waiting for me

the stars hang heavy in the sky,

the stars so laden with sorrow.

I am not living the life I asked for.

Maybe its because I am asking for it, and not taking it.

Worldismarble really needs to put out a CD.

.
.
.
.
.

.

.

.

.
.
.
.
.

Current events:

Applying for internship in Japan

Walmart adventure this afternoon

Practicing monologue for Theater

Making a deserperate fight to pass Biology

About to make tea




Current desires:

Tea

Motivation

Time to make music

The realization that i have time to make music and art but due to my poor time organizational skills i don't have time.

Passion Pit CD

The ocean







Though technically that's a sea i believe..

This week has been just one huge fail when it come to discipline, haha.

Thanks to my best friend my room is almost all put away and clean now. Then I can go crazy and decorate!!! :-) :-D I am so excited!!

One thing about not having a job that sucks is not having money to spontaneously go places.

I would really like to go to say san francisco, like..tonight, butttt hey i have no money. I'm sure i could figure out some kind of cheap bus route that would take me like two days to get there but that's not too ideal.

What I really need is a sturdy sail boat.

I miss azusa so much!!!

I miss japan so much!!!

I need to go to APU soon and visit everybody. This needs to happen. Like soon. VERY SOON.

I guess that's basically been my week. Randomness with lack of discipline and missing a lot of things..

I gotta get ORGANIZED!! 

How can I expect to take over the world if I never get organized? Hmm?

new blog post, yayyyy.

This week wrapped up in words:

surprising

stressful

hopeful

loving

sad

breathing

time

relax

sleep

quiet

peace

fear

strength

discipline

special bonus round:

alice cooper

halloween.

gahhhh getting things put together in my room is killing me...

I have my bathroom all put together now i just have to continue with my beast of a mess in my room. Gah!

also; medical terminology test monday and bio test tuesday. x.x

can we say despair?

I saw Repo! The Genetic Opera yesterday and i have to say i almost instant fell in love with it. toteimo sugoi, ne?

Things that have been making me happy lately:

kari kari umeboshi

amazing friends

slowly but surely becoming more organized

tea

wednesdays

slurpees

skype

colours

humour x.x

feathers

I tried to make eyeshadow today using lipstick, lotion and this powdered shimmer stuff...hmmm it kinda worked out haha, it is more of a "liquid stain" than a powdered eye shadow...hmm but it was kinda fun and sorta worked nonetheless.

Still not organized enough to have time to do a webcomic. Maybe next month...which is in like a week. I mean hey, i'm not in a huge rush, I still have some story stuff I want to flesh out anyway.

Speaking of webcomics i loved questionable content this week. It was just seriously adorable.

I'm forgetting so much japanese its almost depressing..skype come to my rescue!! its only a 14 hour time difference!! And while your at it, could you provide me with a job that pays really well for doing nothing whatsoever? thanks!!

good life choices

Good life choices lately:

Showers in the morning

Breakfast

leaving enough time to get to school

leaving time to read

drawing

Honey facial masks... delicious too.

listening to the oldies station on the radio.

I drew a picture yesterday of a chubby girl flipping someone off saying uzai!! hahaha i love it. I'd post it on here, but i've been moving lately and don't have a scanner at the moment.

And i love skype.

I need to get my room put together its taking me foreverrrrr.....

hopefully when i get more settled i can start drawing a webcomic like i had originally planned this fall...yayyyy

and i need to finish the world ends with you:

Seriously!! And that's the truth!!!

Yesterday I went on the most amazing hike
I love this place
the weather has changed and it reminds me of so much
and it makes me hope for so much
the future, the present, the past, they are all upon me

each step makes a memory

oh sun shine upon this trail
flowers with stalks so long and leaning
a hope a faith what destination?

wheat fields glistening so gold and gleaming

oh sun shine upon this train

each step brings a new story

each path a new adventure for me

what a wonderful world thy keeper must be dreaming

oh sun shine upon this trail

and then! i want to dance with glow sticks

and wear some really sweet head phones whist dancing is commencing.

life is funny.

ai

A year ago from now I wouldn't recognize myself right now, today.
So much has happened
things have not changed as much as they have just fallen into place
and the pieces of me are becoming as they once were
im settling in and heading out
further in and further up.

The air smells of adventure
stories curl around the cracks in the wall paper
these needles and pins of mine are sewing sails
and we shall go catch the winds of life and wonder
i am getting older
and yet i find myself getting younger and younger

ive found forgiveness right where i fell
ive found hope has stories to tell
that there is nowhere to run from yourself
and that there is a force to be reckoned with
that is the only thing that gives life worth

the subject tonight is love

As I get older I think I begin to grasp and gain an better understanding of love.

Several things in my life have come together,

they are small

but I hope I would be able to take a hint.

Last night, I learned something from a dream

Love, 

is not possessive, it is fulfilling in its self and its nature

it is a pure source

and its nature is hope.

I have wondered once if it can sometimes be enough to just love. Even in the nature of it being unrequited the very state of the emotion is compelling and beautiful. If it is love, it is beautiful, and it is worth it. It brings out the best in us, it learns us, it inspires selflessness and again, hope.

But when a connection is made,

its as if that person was always in your life and you wondered why you hadn't noticed it before.

there is peace, and a trust.

there is a sense of wholeness that is not self-fulfilling or dependent in anyway.

I know this is idealistic

and i know infatuation is not special

but i do know this kind of Love is.

Forward to the Beginning

When I was little
I used to think clouds stayed in one spot.
I love days like this,
Windy and bustly,
The sun shines bright
And the blue true dream of sky is before me
I find shade from the harsh rays of sun
And watch the clouds move
That I once thought so stationary.
I have all the time in the world.
I love days like these.

I don’t know what I want this blog to be about.
And I don't know what I want to get out of it,
or anyone who happens to read or stumble across this place.
But the point of the matter is I am compelled to write,
and this place will serve as an occasional outlet for that drive.


I found this on explodingdog.com. I really like it, at the time it made me think of a friend and i.

Its been good to be home. I really cleaned up! Seven different kinds of tea and all sorts of awesome treats, wow, being home is fun!! Ha. Today we went to a local farmers market which was awesome, it was so small but still a lot of fun and I wish the area around my school had one…maybe they do, I should check! Its been relaxing I took no homework with me so I’ve just been hanging out which has been soooooo nice.
I’ve realized lately I really really like taking photographs. I’ve taken my camera everywhere this trip even to grocery stores and I used it so much I wore out the battery in 3 days! (I forgot the charger).
Annnnnnddd I tried to roast marshmallows with just matches the other night…it kinda worked out..(not really) now delicious(my computer) has a scortch mark on it….yayyyyyy =/. But it was fun in the moment!!


I will admit I look a little insane..

On a different note,
I have found myself in a strange place
The tables of my reality, which I was becoming so of sure, have
Have flipped dramatically
And maybe that's a lie
Maybe I was never sure of them.
All I know now is that I’m kinda going though a self-discovery of sorts. (Which I guess college is for.)
Which entails a lot of things
But it entails adventure
Which I have found is one thing that excites me.
There is so much life
I want to, I need to go and find out things
Fill in the grey areas.
I want to know my favorite ice cream flavor,
I want to know my favorite colour,
I want to be able to see the world.
If I know myself perhaps I can know my place
And then see things as they really are.

i once was fearless

"Just in case, I will leave my things packed
So I can run away

I cannot trust these voices I don't have a line of prospects that can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to that can bring me sweet release
I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?

Empty spaces with shadows hit by streetlights
Warnings signs and weight of tired conversations
In the absence of a shoulder, in the abscess of a thief
On the brink of this destruction, on the eve of bittersweet
Now all the demons look like prophets and I'm living out
Every word they speak.

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?

I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work "
-joc

because i don't think i could put where i'm at in better words than this

conversations

"I have a great analogy for you. Do you have a dollar or something?"

"Uhhh... I have a quarter"

"Yeah yeah. That's perfect. Okay hold the quarter in your hand. Now, tell me, how much is that quarter worth?"

"...25 cents?"

"Right. Now, throw the quarter on the ground."

"Alright..."

"Kay, stomp on it. Just yell at it. Tell the quarter that its stupid and worthless. Anything you can really think of, just say something terrible...Is there anything you can say or really do that can change the fact that that quarter is worth 25 cents?"

"umm...."

"Quit trying to think around it."

"No. No, I can't."

"Right, nothing can change it. Its 25 cents. Just because it thinks its 5 cents or a penny doesn't make it one. And it goes the other way too, a quarter can't be a dollar. Its not a choice and its not up to it to decide, or anyone else for that matter."

dream echoes

"you are asking me to actually give life a real shot."

"yes....
....no. I'm telling you."

took this on his camera. i had forgotten that i took it.

Day Life

nice things from my school;





froyo







roommate

The Light and the Glass.

We’ve been dating nine months, today.
I have brought back fireworks from South Carolina.
We wait until dark,
It is summer,
The heat of the day is settling
And the desert sky
Begins to light up.
Our hopes and dreams
that have become intertwined
Illuminate the pitch
That saturates the atmosphere.
We giggle at the childish excitement
of our not so legal endeavor.
It is romantic.
And we step back and shout in anticipation,
My back yard is lit up with sparks,
And we laugh.
Our hands are clasped and we stand for a moment
Absorbing the smiles that have sprung themselves
Upon our faces
There is no possible way I could ever hold you close enough.
You are my best friend
You are my life.

We lay in silence
Resting our minds
Against the quiet of the sky.
I am so happy.
You turn
You look me straight in the eyes
And state three words as fact
that have never before left your lips
I find myself in a state
Of fear, and hesitation.
I’m not sure if I can believe you.
“Why do you love me?” I ask.
And you reply
With an air of simplicity
“Because,
In a sea of glass,
You are a thread of silk.”
We have been dating nine months, today.
You have just told me you loved me.
It is summer.
We are invincible
We can conquer the world.
I promise to never let you go.

norton simon

today

this person has become progressively special to me

kait's paint brushes

draft

“If I throw up I’ll feel better right?”
“I have no idea Nicole.”
“I’m going to go try”
The sound of her dry heaving doesn’t bother me or make me sick.
Ana, backpack and keys in hand walks in and asked where Nicole is.
“She’s throwing up in there.” I say and nod in the general direction.
“Good.” Ana says, and calls in to the bathroom. “Did you throw up Nicole?”
“No, I’ve only been dry heaving” She stammers through coughs and unsteady breathing.
“Well drink water okay?” She doesn’t pause, “I’ve got to go now, I’ll see you in a couple months kay? Feel better Nicole.” And she leaves.

The fact is, I am mostly unattached to the situation.
I want to feel for Nicole, but it is difficult to feel for people when they won’t let you. It is difficult to understand when they block you out and it is difficult to talk when there is vomit in your mouth.
Nicole is now trodding from the bathroom to the bed. Her onesy pajama’s are hanging on her like the grief she refuses to admit to. I feel like I am continually finding myself in these situations where I am completely useless in. Her mom comes in with a glass of seltzer and some oyster crackers. I find her mother’s presence awkward. Even more awkward is Lania’s awareness of her daughter’s hangover, and her calm sort of annoyance with it that contrasts her anger from the night before. Lania reminds her of the completed homework that was promised to be such, and the chores that need to be done.
Next to me, Nicole has collapsed on the bed. I don’t know how to read her, and I don’t know how to feel.

Her face has changed from a contortion of nausea to a look of exhaustion.

“Andre kissed me last night”
I’m slightly irritated.
“Yeah I remember you telling me last night.”
“Yeah…” She scrunches her face and slowly chews on a cracker. “It was..kinda cute…”
I fade back into detachment.
I reason, there is not much advice or counsel to offer. It was a drunk kiss on New Years Eve. What is there to say?
But still, I don’t like seeing her this way…
I am pestered by the things that are required of me for the day.
I want to leave.
Ugh, I don’t like being the friend that leaves.
Nicole is sipping on Seltzer. “He told me he loved me.” She chuckles.

I’m sorry I can’t handle this as ‘matter of fact’ as Ana.
I’m sorry I’m not the obvious ‘best friend.’

Her expression shows sympathy. “I feel kinda bad.”
“Do you like him back?”
“I don’t know…” She sighs. “I don’t really think so.”
She presses a wet wash cloth against her head and sighs again.
There is nothing for me to say.
I have never experienced hangovers or drunk kisses,
I don’t know how to deal with a brother’s co-worker falling in love with you,
Remedies and words of wisdom are beyond me
And in this moment
I become so
Unnecessary.

“I’m sorry Nicole, I have to go.”
Underneath the annoyance and frustration with the previous evening,
The company that was there,
And the choices of those individuals,
I find myself the complete odd ball.
Why did she even tell me to join them
Why did I come.
Insecurity.
“What? Really? Will you stop by later today?”
“Yeah, oh yeah I will for sure.” I reply, detachment, irritancy, they are simply hiding my secret.
“Kay, well thanks for coming last night, I hope you had fun.” She smiles.
“Yeah for sure.” I give her a hug. “Hope you get done all you need to, today.”
“Thanks.”
My mind is preoccupied with escape.
“Love ya Taylor!” She calls as I’m leaving the room.
“Love ya too, Nicole.”
I gather my things, I thank her mother1 monotonously.
I reach my car, load my things, and turn the keys in the ignition.
I take the familiar streets and face the mountains capped in powder.
It is quiet. My thoughts are still. (I tell myself I’m happy. I believe it.)
The truth I can’t see,
That I ignore
Sits by me in the passenger’s seat.
I am so alone. And so terrified.

It is one of those mornings you wake up and realize you actually have to face the day

the snooze button has been hit numerous times

and you waste around 15 minutes debating on wether or not you can call in sick

take a sabbatical

maybe just think.

It is one of those moods where you feel like you misplaced someone.

You ask yourself the name of the day

you look at your hands and remember the year

feel the sheets wrapped around you, 

and remember the place

this reality becomes so subjective 

and the daily grind becomes 

a complacent bore.

I have 15 minutes before work.

I'm trying to remember my name

or at least what it means

everything else is robotic

and does its self while my mind is preoccupied

shirt

shoes

hair

makeup

I don't know, or care

5 minutes I have to leave

I hate today.

I can't remember how I got here

I can't remember what I was holding on to.

A selfishness drags behind me

clinging at my heals

there are too many faces

too many faces

and it's one of those days

where there is just too much noise 

and nobody is saying a damn word.

I've just realized my music library has been stuck on repeat.

I'm disappointed at myself and the kind of moments that are needed to jar me back to reality.

And I wonder, maybe a wanderer really can just be lost. I need a sign post.